Buffy's Little Diary Rant
by EclecticKitty
Summary: The tittle pretty much summs it up....just read it.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my stories.....well nothing related to the show anyway. So please don't  
sue.  
  
Author's note: I don't know where this came from, I just wrote it one day. It's kinda my take on what Buffy  
might've been thinking after Angel split at the end of season 3. Oh well lemme know what you think.......reviews  
are good!! (subtle hint)  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Why does everyone else always assume that I don't know what's best for me? And that they do?   
For some reason they think that the person who is responsible for saving the world on a fairly  
regular basis isn't responsible enough to know what is best for herself, can't take care of herself. I  
personally think that is total bullshit. Angel is what I want....no scratch that need. He is what is  
best for me, unfortunately he is to stupid to see that. He promised that he'd always be there. He  
fucking PROMISED!! Then what did he do? He ran like a fucking coward. He got scared, and  
convinced himself that I'd be better off without him, and he ran.   
  
Well, sorry babe.....been there, done that, freaked accordingly. I almost lost my mind last summer  
when he wasn't there, the whole time he was gone I felt like I had died inside. He says that he left  
so that I could have a somewhat normal life, that I deserve that chance. Well duh! Of course I do,  
everyone does, but I'm never gonna get it.   
  
I'd like to know what alternate reality he is currently residing in.....well, him and my mom. We all  
know, though some still refuse to accept it, that any chance of me having a normal life curled up  
and died the moment I became the Slayer. Much as white picket fences, growing old next to  
someone, PTA meetings and two am feedings might appeal to me, cause God knows that is what  
I would like, it just ain't gonna happen. And besides even if that was an option I don't think I  
could do it. I know what goes bump in the night, and I've seen what happens when no one was  
there to stop it. And if I wasn't fighting it I couldn't sleep at night.   
  
Sometimes I just want to shake all of them until they wake up and see the truth. They all have  
somehow managed to delude themselves into believing that I'm gonna live a long happy life and  
die of old age. It's like they honestly believe that I can't get dead, despite all evidence to the  
contrary. Even Giles seems determined to believe that, and of all of them he should know that it  
isn't true. I, at least, know better.  
  
I am one of the longest living active slayers in history, I've been lucky so far. Someday that luck  
is gonna run out. I more than likely won't ever see thirty, probably not even twenty five. I'll most  
likely die violently and alone and that scares the hell out of me. I won't pretend it doesn't. My  
destiny sucks, I was born to die young. Fate really is a bitch ya' know. Then there is the fact that  
the man that I love and who loves me too, can't ever get to close again for fear of turning into a  
monster. I'll always love him no matter what, and it's like I told Willow, without him here,  
sometimes, I just can't breathe. I almost wish that I could hate him for leaving, no scratch that,  
running away, but I can't.   
  
I can however be severely pissed, and I am, extremely! Everyone seems to know what is best for  
me. They keep telling me I should move on to someone normal, try for the whole normal life  
thing. But dammit I don't want to! I'm me they aren't. I know what is best for me, what I want.   
  
ANGEL!!! That's what I want, who I want. No one and nothing else, just him. But nobody, him  
included, seems to care what I want. Not that I actually expected them to. I mean hell when they  
first found out he was back my friends practically stoned me to death. They were all for being  
supportive until they found out. Which is exactly why I didn't tell them in the first place. Oh well,  
sucks to be me doesn't it. (Big dramatic sigh.) Well I guess I've ranted enough for now. I'm  
pretty sure this makes no sense but (shrug) no big. Not like anyone is gonna read it anyway.  
Goodnight Dairy,  
Buffy Anne Summers V.S.  
  
Buffy sighed as she closed her diary and reached for the light switch. That stuff had been on her  
mind for a while now and it had felt good to get it all out, even if no one else ever saw it. As she  
lay there waiting for sleep to come she ran over everything that had happened since she had sent  
Angel to hell last summer.   
  
And as she began to cry herself to sleep she whispered, "Damn you Angel, why did you have to  
leave me?" Naturally there was no answer, and she only cried harder. The tears continued as she  
slipped into a sleep filled with both dreams and nightmares, just like everything else in her life.   
  
The End. 


End file.
